my sukoon matters

Dear all,

It was my birthday on the 14th and I turned 41. We never celebrated birthdays when we were children. I wanted to have birthday parties like everyone did, with potato wafers, cream cake, chocolates and a samosa, some singing, some ribbons on the walls and  balloons under the ceiling fan but my father said  it wasn't something he grew up with. His birthdays were not celebrated so ours wouldn't be too. We didn't grow up  with too many traditions, my parents were fairly liberal, but there were some dictums like this one. But I could question my father. I fought with him about wanting to celebrate my birthday in school, he relented. I was 9. Most of my dresses cost between Rs 200 - Rs 450 but for that birthday my mum got me a dress for Rs 50 and the chocolates were going to be the 25 paise ones. The standard was 50 paise ones. I was a bit ashamed. I don't know if I wore that dress or celebrated my birthday in school. I know I felt shame that it didn't meet the standard. 

When we were in senior school, we exchanged cards, my mum made payasam. In junior college, one would hope that friends remember our birthdays and would call at 12.  My mum baked cakes, my friends baked cakes and waited outside till 12, my sisters bought me presents, there were surprises  but I always imagined that when I'd be in love it would be truly magical. 

So when I had my first long term relationship and my boyfriend thought it was a good idea to  go for a concert with this couple for my first birthday together, I was super disappointed. I hated the idea but still went ahead and from the time we met my anger and disappointment was on full display. I made sure everyone, especially the boyfriend knew that he had failed. I didn't think it was wrong, I also had righteous superiority for behaving like I did because if he had any sense he would plan an evening that involved only the two of us. The next year on my birthday, he was worried if he had done enough. I wondered why he felt that way. I pretended I didn't want much but deep down I just wanted him to adhere to my whims and fancies because that would make me feel safe. I overstretched myself for him because I didn’t want him to leave me and I wanted to be repaid. We fought a lot and were toxic and abusive towards each other. He didn't meet the standards I had set for him and he felt inadequate all the time.  

After him, I dated men but I was too scared of  anything long term though I wanted a long term relationship. With all of them except one, I wanted them to meet the standards I set for them. Of course I didn't know there was a standard but I was constantly angry. Last November, I met someone and everything he did or didn't do made me want to just bang his head against the wall. I deleted him and told him off but it was not over. I knew I had to deal with my anger. I knew I wanted him to be in love with me in the way I wanted him to be while I sat judging and hating him. I also knew he was innocently triggering old hurt and it was easier for me to be angry with him than deal with my past. So I did several things, not to like him more but because the hate was burning me.  I wrote about it here: https://induviduality.substack.com/p/will-you-please-love-me

I may have written about this soundcloud file offered by Yale University a million times but I can't recommend it enough.

I did this. No, I don't love this boy but  I have learned to accept him and accepting him has meant I am not consumed by my anger or my judgement but I can see different parts of him which are amusing, lovely and irritating in equal measure and because I let him be, he lets me be too and that's so peaceful. 

At home, this happens 

indu harikumar @induviduality

How many of you can cook when someone is hovering over you in the kitchen? Esp a parental unit inspecting if you have used the right vessels, ladles and how many vessels you are using. 🥺

Anyway,  I was angry on the day I tweeted this and had to step out of the kitchen. A few days later my mum asked me for my opinion. So basically this couple haven’t been able to connect, the wife makes more money (she is the only one who makes money), is better educated and  the man feels inadequate. The wife wanted them to be peaceful again. So I told my mum, when you think someone else is not good enough, you don't have to say it. They can sense it. And brought up this kitchen incident, I told her how she may have lived longer and cooked longer and is a great cook and may know things that I may benefit from but when she hovers in the kitchen and tells me why I used three vessels instead of one, she is making me wrong, making me feel inadequate and then I can only engage with anger because she doesn't see the effort I am making, only my faults. Only how I am not meeting her standards. She said she only does it because she is trying to help. I told her, no one wants to be wrong, not all the time. If I am wrong, I want you to accept me. She said she would be mindful.

This was something the person I matched with in March pointed to me. He is nothing like me and I think I started to bring that part of me - okay, you like me, why don't you take directions from me and fit into this mould that I made for you. Of course we fought and I was angry because I thought what I was asking was legit — You want to make me happy, don't you? Just follow my directions. Once he told me how I wanted someone perfect and he wasn' perfect and that made me feel like I must be doing something that makes people feel like this. So I told myself - if I dislike this person then I should fuck off, I should stop to train them so I can begin to like them. When I let him be, I have to perform less and I don’t have to constantly watch so I catch him when he fails and a strange new thing called trust starts to build. You may not do it my way but I trust that you are not here to hurt me. You may disappoint me but you don’t hate me. 

We fight way less. It isn't like we don't have disappointments. In fact for my birthday, I assumed he would want to spend my birthday with me but he was busy and didn't want to meet. Not like I was happy. After we angrily hung up,  I sat with my disappointment, then I had to stop myself from playing his faults in a loop and making him into a monster. In the night when I woke up and  the thought passed my head, I made an effort to send him love and not build on my anger. No, I didn't think he needed more love but I really needed the peace. The peace that makes me feel safe that people I trust will not betray me. (They may but I don’t want the fear of them doing that destroy my sukoon).

When we spoke, I was not angry. At some time, I said, "Look you disappointed me, now you please get ready to sit with discomfort." So he asked me what I was going to do. I said I was going to cook for him. He doesn't like anyone fussing over him and so I don’t cook though I love cooking. He said, "Tum mehnat karogi, when I disappointed you?" "Yes, you disappoint me, you  let me do something I love." "Okay, we will cook together."  

I am trying this now, instead of using my anger against him, which I did all the time. I always felt I must teach them a lesson.  I don't know if it will work but one is going to try. 

On my birthday, I took myself for breakfast at the Trident. It was beautiful.

I rarely like to share my mornings with people so I was happy just to concentrate on the food and be with myself. When the waiters found out that it was my birthday, one asked me, "Why didn't you come with your friends  or family?" This would have made me sad but I knew I wanted to be there and I wanted to eat and I wanted to be alone. I was happy. Two of my friends asked if  the person I am seeing  had met me. I said no. Both asked if I was okay. I was and am okay. People may disappoint us from time and again but not always do they do it because they don't like us. I am telling myself that because my sukoon matters. 

I hope you find your sukoon.

Warmly,
Indu