Will you please love me?

Hello again! I couldn’t wait to write another one of these newsletters. In the previous one, I mentioned writing my way into knowing myself better.

A lot of the times when I am distressed with someone and start writing, I find myself staring at a younger me who is struggling to get her eldest sister to like her. Somehow. Though our relationship has changed for the better but I seem to seek new connections where I feel unseen as I did as a child.

As a child, I would think, “How does she like my other sister?” “What is that my other sister does that I can’t do?” “Why won’t she give me a chance?” “Why can’t I be like her?” “Why can’t I be liked?” “Can I be liked?”

I had other friendships and relationships, I was liked and loved elsewhere but this still hurt. It made me feel deeply unworthy. Sometimes I learned cool new tricks and would try and show them to my sister in the hope that she would accept me but she rarely did.

This feeling of being unseen some how finds a way in almost all of my relationships, professional and personal. My professional relationships are way better now as I started to put in boundaries and expectancy charts for people to meet and to my surprise they are mostly met. Less resentment.

For my personal relationships, I thought I should open up my childhood wounds and air them a little. So I drew and wrote them out. Some were silly and easy for me to let go, some hurt even now. I wrote how I would have liked to be treated. I tried to forgive myself and my sister. The process though painful was freeing in its own way.

So when I went back to dating, I assumed this was not going to touch me because I had dealt with it. But what the hell, I seemed to be finding men who just knew how to unsee me in their own unique ways. They caught me unguarded.

Those are the two ends and I am on one of them. Mostly. But unlike when I was a kid, I now have achieved stuff, I am far more charming, I am funny, I feel comfy in my body, and unlike earlier, now I also think I deserve love, and have several tricks up my sleeve to get people to love me. And it is just as distressing to have them ignore me.

Recently, I found myself almost wanting to smash someone’s head (several times), this was someone I went on dates with. Though I didn’t really like him much, I wanted him to love me. Instead he neglected me. There was something I wanted him to do to make me feel good, I didn't know what but things he did and didn’t do frustrated me to no end. I could have moved away but I just couldn't. It wasn't like he was the only person in my life who could give me what I wanted but I couldn’t disengage.

I wanted to control how he responded to me and I really wanted him to love me and stop triggering childhood hurt in me. We talked about it, he asked me what he could do so I wouldn’t feel that way. It was like balm to the hurt parts of me. But he went back to his old ways soon and my anger resurfaced.

(Inspiration: Roy Lichtenstein)

I did several things to deal with my anger.  I asked him to fuck off. I deleted his number. Someone offered me Reiki and I accepted. I wrote and drew about it trying to see what it was that I needed. Why wasn’t loving me any easier?

I really didn’t want to give this person space by being angry with him because he really didn’t matter.

During the lockdown we started messaging again. He’d ping and I would be hesitant but once I replied, he would just disappear and I would be seething in anger.

Around the time, I was doing a course called the Science of well-being offered by the Yale University. Though I didn’t finish the course, I started doing a mediation suggested by the course: The loving kindness guided meditation.

Everyday, I would sit quietly, play the audio and send loving and compassionate thoughts to: 1. myself. 2. a family member or friend I am close to. 3. stranger. 4. someone I have tension with 5. to the world and back to me. He always featured in spot 4. It wasn’t difficult to send him compassion and seeing him doing well, I did it everyday. We weren’t talking then. It felt good to do this, to be willing the good of the other, especially someone you have held so much anger for.

After a month or so, we were on a video call and I told him about what I had done. He was happy to know that I was sending him compassion every day. He also said this ▼

Knowing that our mistakes and mistakes of those we interact with come from unskillfulness, and not because we / they want to harm you / us was so relieving. I try to remember this sometimes when I am hurt. It helps me to have conversations about hurt.

Also, with him now that I had unloaded the mental chatter, I got to experience startlingly new parts of him that I couldn’t see when I was caught up in the verbal chatter of seeing him as a wrong person. We aren’t best of friends but it feels good not to hold anger for him. Okay, I am going to stop talking about myself.

Have you guys read Dalit artist, PK Mahanandia’s love story? Him cycling across continents to be with his wife Charlotte Von Schedvin in Sweden is easily the best thing I have read recently. They have been married for more than 40 years. Click and read their fascinating story:

Viva Falastin 🌹 @OdinsProphecy

Meet Dr. PK Mahanandia. A dalit born in the eastern jungles of India. When he started school, his teachers told him that he wasn't allowed to sit next to other students. The other students made extra efforts to never touch him. He realized that day what being untouchable meant.

That’s it for now. Take care of yourself.

Warmly,
Indu