Is fear my thekka?

Dear readers,

Hello! A lot of you wrote in telling me how you felt like I was writing out your lives, thank you, it feels great not to be the only one struggling.

So this newsletter is also going to about the fear of being excluded among other things (mostly it is hazy) because when I read your messages and emails, I realised I had left out several things. So here it is.

I want to start with a conversation I had with a dear friend. I was telling her about the person I met during the lockdown. It went something like this:

I told her that I had a realisation that almost everything I do and say is rooted in the fear of rejection and she said she knew exactly what I meant and …

It is a constant struggle to remind myself that the other person may also be feeling scared and may have the need to feel accepted, appreciated and safe to open up. They don’t have to fit moulds and are allowed to have flaws just like me. They can’t follow the strict paths I have laid out for them because they have a mind of their own and their own trauma, fears and the purpose of their existence is not to make me feel safe all the time. They are struggling too.

I think when we start to believe that they maybe struggling just like us, we can hold more compassion towards them and ourselves and maybe let go of some of our fears. When we let other people falter and fail, we also allow ourselves to do the same or is it the other way around? But a lot of times we are so consumed by our fears that we can’t see anything else.

Moving on, I mentioned discussing the anger I feel on social media with a friend in the last newsletter. I told her how I dislike this person because I feel they have way too much power and if they acknowledged me and my work, it would be so good for me. People, who they has access to, will finally see my work and maybe they will see merit in it and I will grow. How much does a Insta story cost? I hate their privilege and their power and that they will not do anything to make my life better. So friend asked me if I had not called them out, publicly? I said yes. I assumed it wouldn’t ever reach them or they wouldn’t care. Friend said what if it did and they were upset and it made them uncomfy and they are trying to avoid you? I had never even thought of them being affected by anything I say and write. What my friend pointed out was so important for me to hear. When we are caught up with our fears, we also think others have it sorted and that makes us feel even more alone. If I think at all about others, I assume that others don’t have similar fears and those who have more money and clout certainly don’t. Knowing that they may just be scared just like me was a way to see myself and them as equals.

Source: The Copperview. Click for more

One of the messages I got was about people pleasing or showcasing the best parts of ourselves so others don’t leave us. Now I do that a lot too but missed writing about it. In relationships, I am that entertainer, good story provider, can fix your relationships with others, can give you advice, can cook you food, will be available, am funny and energetic and will over extend myself so you think I am so fucking good and stay. I will also resent you for taking me for granted and not giving me the bare minimum. There is every chance, I will roll out my services without being asked or before you have ever thought about any such a need. I won’t lie, it is exhausting but not so much in the beginning. And as I overextend myself, I am hoping you will take cues from me and pay back. But it rarely happens and when it doesn’t, I will hate the you and want to drop you for not performing and also tell you how to do it right.

millennial.therapist

A post shared by @millennial.therapist

November 21, 2019

But what do perfect people make us feel? I feel like I am not worthy and need to compete, have to be better? I want to reject perfect people because they shine a light on my imperfections. What I see is their perfect life or what I think is perfect and I think that fears are my thekka and others have it easy.

These past few weeks has been about me revisiting all sorts of hatred and anger towards people.

It is only when we interacted that I was reminded of the hate and could release it. And the experience brought with it a string of other people I had hated for existing, for having it easy, for being better, for not having my kinda anxiety, for their privilege, their beauty, their skill, for not knowing my pain, for the opportunities they have, their love, etc. Hopefully acknowledging the hate is the first step of letting go and there will be more space for love.

I am going to stop, thank you for reading, sharing and writing back to me. I want to send you this drawing for you write down all the worry worms that fill your head. You can fill it with emojis and words. If you send it back to me, I could stack all your worry worms and make one of the newsletters a museum of worry worms, what say? My email: bodyofstories17@gmail.com

I leave you with this fab art tumblr.

Take care.

Warmly,
Indu