Feeling excluded?

Hello there!

I hope you are keeping well. I don’t know if it is busyness or I am getting used to staying at home. Actually I have done a lot of staying at home in the past 10 years because when I decided on becoming an artist, I didn’t have money and couldn’t go out and then when I started making some I felt I should just work because I was getting to do work I loved without having learned art and if I didn’t work all the time, my opportunities would just slip away.

That’s what I want to talk about - fear of abandonment - because in the recent past I saw it play out in two of my closest friendships. But before that I am going to share this from the Gottman Institute about identifying triggers, it is rather helpful.

So in one of my previous newsletters, I wrote about how as a young child I waited, dreamed, did everything to get my eldest sister’s approval and she gave it to me (if at all) when she felt like it. It made me feel like I was not worthy because if she had taken so easily to my middle sister, the problem was probably with me. As a young child, a lot of my friendships were similar where I feared I would be excluded and I was.

I see this familiar feeling take new avatars in my life. So after a lot of heartache and a lot of work, I mostly try and avoid group situations whenever I can. One to one interactions usually mean the chances of being excluded are not too high.

But it isn’t like this fear of abandonment doesn’t creep into my life, it even shows up in my closest friendships.

When my out-of-town friend visits, I still wonder if she will spend more time with another common friend. The last few times, I was secretly happy that she only met me. But with my friend from abroad it is not the same, if how much time he spends with me < how much time he spends with his friend in the city, I am usually upset which eventually upsets him too. He now makes sure he comes home first to make me feel special but this fear that I may not be as important to him as his other friend makes me very uncomfy and upset.

With my close friends I like to know and usually know where I stand. Two of my friends recently told me separately how they felt like I was waiting for them to slip up and call bluff on them. Both were very hurt. I was very self righteously telling them - I knew you would choose someone over me. Not in those words obviously. It is only when my second friend mentioned this that I realised how even with people I trust the most, the fear of rejection is so high. Like my brain is ready with this preventive measure and resents them for triggering old unhealed trauma.

When put in a situation where I am fearful that I could be dropped, I want people to follow my script (which isn’t something I can spell out) so I feel safe, otherwise they see my vile, angry and accusatory side. Thankfully, my friends hold space for those parts of me too.

In this recent incident, while I was resenting friend no 2 for not following my script and making me feel so unsafe and worthless like I did as a child, I came across this pdf called Making changes in our lives - a workbook (pdf) and saw this.

Much as I am scared of being dropped, I reject very often. Withholding communication, withholding open communication, communicating but making sure the other party knows that I am angry, being nasty and making them feel that I am being the bigger person for talking to them even when they have erred. I also indulge in a lot of perfectionism, that’s my way of keeping people away who want to build romantic relationships with me. The easiest way not to be rejected is to reject, no?

I also realised I actively dislike people on the internet who don’t acknowledge me (some may not even know about my existence) and if they are people who have a lot of clout, I wait for them to slip up and then self righteously hate them and feel like the better person. But deep down, I just want them to see me.

How often do you numb yourself with work, sex, alcohol and food so you don’t have to address your fear of rejection? Temme!


Warmly,
Indu