The school reunion
Hope you are well. Yesterday, I went for the school reunion. It was a small set of people who were meeting. I continue to stay in touch with very few people because I was a complete wallflower, I had some close friends. I can count on one hand how many people I continue to keep in touch with. I have wondered why people would want to meet someone they went to school with when we barely spoke in school. Anyway, I enjoyed being there but I woke up and cried for 3 hrs straight and wrote this twitter thread.
And sent my school mates this WhatsApp message. Many of them wrote me very warm personal messages.
Hello everyone, it was lovely meeting you all. My friends said that I would never agree to meet and generally looked at disdain about meeting which is not far from the truth. To be honest, school was a place of major rejection for me, I had a few friends, was always the third wheeler and I mostly felt invisible. Too many put downs and too many places where I knew that I didn't belong, so it is not something I look with fondness. I know this is not other people's experience. It was a place where i felt always in the shadows and knew I could be rejected anytime. It shaped my experiences into my adult life because I had to constantly work at being not rejected. It caused and causes me deep anxiety, this constant need to prove myself.
Also, I have struggled a lot to do the work i do, i didn't know what i was looking to do for the longest and a lot of times i didn't want to be asked, "what are you doing with your life?" Because i barely knew what i was doing and it felt like i was it felt like i was failing at all aspects of life, so I kept out. And not being married was always a way of feeling excluded. Also, i am a one to one person, i am awkward in groups and try to hide. I don't need "a lot of maska," to do stuff. I now don't do stuff that i don't like doing. And groups continue to be something i avoid because this whole thing of being invisible comes up for me.
Also, i have had to deal with a lot of financial and personal insecurities doing the work i do, it has often meant meeting fewer people in the past because every meeting means spending money and that has always been in short supply. Things are changing.
I am not here assuming that others don't have their own set of difficulties and that they may be putting them aside to meet and have a good time. For me it hasn't been easy to do it is what I am saying which is why i stayed away. Avoiding was my way of coping with my own pain of not belonging. Thank you for making space for me, yesterday. It felt less isolating. And yeah that was a long message. Have a good Sunday.
I did try to hide while there and not participate much because rejection is so scary but I warmed up and wasn’t too stuck in my story that these people dislike me and it felt easier.
In reply to my message, a friend shared their experience and talked about how we all need people we can trust and for that, “the starting step is to trust and reach out.” It is scary but I am taking tiny steps.
Thank you for reading.
I am just leaving from the wedding of a school friends brother. And so many levels of unrelatedness as a non-typically feminine, afab person who is short, fat and not straight. Also highly sensitive nervous system so the heat and the music really got to me. And I was thinking to myself - these friends are not cruel. Like they are the best of people. And yet it seems like we are so far from each other. And that bridge can never be crossed.