I asked ChatGPT if what I was feeling is guilt
And dear reader,
… it says yes.
Scenario 1: if your close friend passes away and you are unable to cry and you feel you are not grieving right, is that guilt
ChatGPT:
Yes, what you're describing can absolutely be a form of guilt, and it's a very common experience in grief.
When someone close to us dies and we don’t react the way we expect to—such as not crying, not feeling immediately overwhelmed, or even feeling numb—it can lead to feelings of "I'm not grieving the right way" or "There must be something wrong with me." That self-judgment often turns into guilt.
But here’s something important to understand: grief doesn’t look one way. It's not always tears or sadness on the surface. Sometimes, it’s:
Numbness or emotional detachment (a very normal defense mechanism)
Shock or disbelief, even if the death wasn't sudden
Delayed grief, where emotions hit days, weeks, or even months later
Functional focus, where you stay busy or practical as a way to cope
Guilt, for how you feel—or don’t feel
Your relationship with that friend, your personal history with loss, your emotional coping style, and even your current life context all influence how grief unfolds for you. There is no “wrong” way to grieve.
You might ask yourself:
What do I believe grieving “should” look like?
Am I putting pressure on myself to feel a certain way?
What would I say to a friend in the same position?
I feel grieving should involve crying and crying all the time, I feel I should be distraught, I should not be able to function. I think of my friend everyday and miss him and wish he was here, I look up our chats but I never cry. I was busy when he died and quickly moved onto to other things that he and I had discussed and told myself that’s what he would have liked. Even seeing his body didn’t make me cry and that has made me feel I wasn’t a real friend. I am totally putting pressure on myself to feel a certain way. We spoke everyday, how I am grieving just doesn’t feel right. For the third question, I want to write about what he would tell me if he was here —- Put yourself first.
Scenario 2: if I don't feel talking to my mum when she calls and I know she is feeling bored and I feel bad is that guilt
Chat GPT: Yes, that’s guilt too — specifically, interpersonal or relational guilt. It comes from the conflict between:
Your own emotional boundaries or needs (not feeling up to talking), and
Your awareness of someone else’s emotional state (knowing your mum is bored or maybe lonely, and wanting to be there for her).
This kind of guilt often shows up when we care deeply about someone but don’t have the energy (emotionally or mentally) to meet their needs in the moment. The guilt isn’t necessarily a sign you’ve done something wrong — it’s a signal that you value the relationship and wish you could do more.
But here’s the key: Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you should override your own needs. It just means you're emotionally attuned.
You might ask yourself:
Is this a pattern where I always put others first, even when I’m drained?
What would it look like to set a boundary without pushing her away?
Can I offer her a different time or way to connect that feels manageable for me?
Yes, I feel I always put others needs first, though some may call it a saviour complex, I think it is my way to ignore my own needs. It also probably comes from wanting to keep everyone happy because I fear abandonment so much. I do feel good that people think of me as a giver but I am exhausted of calming people down, understanding their needs, ignoring my own and being so resentful. For the second question, I am not sure how to do this as of now.
Scenario 3: Okay, so I help folks financially, either personally or by asking folks who can afford to meet their financial needs but now I feel drained doing this but recently someone told me that they had a loan to pay off, the loan was all of Rs 1,800. I was busy and didn't want to start another one of those relationships but I thought to myself I don't even think twice about spending that kind of money and sent them the money. I feel okay about having done that but I don't want to have another such relationship where someone is depending on me to bail them out, do you think I sent them the money out of guilt
I don’t agree with everything that ChatGPT says but these things I feel very strongly.
ChatGPT:
Compassion fatigue: feeling emotionally drained from always being the helper
Boundary-setting conflict: wanting to say no, but defaulting to yes to avoid further engagement
Internal values tension: between being generous and wanting self-preservation
This is important to recognize, because if you keep giving in ways that protect others' needs but drain yours, resentment builds — even if you're a naturally giving person.
I feel all of this, I am tired of being the understanding person and there’s severe compassion fatigue. I am always telling myself that people have it so bad and that I have no reason to complain and I negate myself constantly. But am done doing that.
Anyway while in Bhopal, I was telling someone, how friends, family and random people bring me their problems and how I am tired of listening to people talk about how difficult their lives are.
I also told the person how I met someone I barely knew in Bhopal (Isha) and she cooked me a meal and we karaoked some Bollywood songs. It was so much fun! She looked at our videos and said — Find people who will karaoke with you and not drown you in their problems. That’s seems like a good boundary to have, what do you think?
Coming back to my friend who passed way, I am sure if I had asked him this instead of ChatGPT, he would tell me - Tu apna dekh, tu kisiko godd nahin liya hai.
What do you ask ChatGPT? Do you use it like a therapist like me?
That aside I want to send you another newsletter from our superb workshop in Bhopal soon.
<3
Indu