Headspace
Dear reader,
Hi there! Hope you’re doing well. I’ve been meaning to write about meditation for a while now. It’s been a busy time in so many ways, but one thing I’ve managed to keep up with is Headspace, the mindfulness and meditation app.
It has been over 6 months I can say it has given me the much needed headspace. In early April, my friend N in London added me to her Headspace family account. It felt like the universe had my back, just as I was entering a hectic period. I had a tight-deadline project with a major U.S. university that doubled my pay because of the tight deadline—exciting, but also scary. The stress was — I deemed them higher than me, I didn’t want to upset them, plus they were paying me double the amount they’d usually pay. So you can imagine how I felt, AM I WORTH ALL THIS ? WILL I FAIL?
At that time I had also taken on another interesting project, so suddenly, I was working 14–15 hours a day. I did how the constant worry about meeting deadlines and usually during such stressful times, I can barely sleep. But I decided to meditate, and while I wasn’t sure if it was working, I noticed I was sleeping better—a rarity when I’m stressed. I’d meditate three times a day and sometimes I would sleep while meditating.
Though I’ve meditated before, I’d always wondered if I was doing it “right.” I still do. But I kept at it. I also have this worry about time running out and me wasting time, so if you are like me try the three minute meditations. Headspace has that option.
Though I feel calmer, after all these months, I still wonder - why am I still thinking about other things. Often I hear the folks who lead the mediation practice say that it is normal for you to think and feel while meditating, that’s how the mind works, you can bring it back to concentrate on your breath.
Anyway, both projects turned out well and I wasn’t harangued by self doubt and stress related to the self doubt. This was new for me so I’ve kept up the meditation, now just once a day instead of three. After almost six months, I’ve seen some real changes. My goals were simple: to be less reactive and to sleep better.
Six months of daily meditation, has introduced me to my pain and my patterns. I used to turn to anger—it’s easier to feel. But now, I’ve had to sit with grief, which I’d often avoided.
When someone I was dating ghosted me after speaking to me on an everyday basis for months, my first response was anger. Being angry is certainly easier. It gives us control. But soon the grief hit me. Grief is not easy at all because you are not sure where it will lead you, what it will open up and if you will be able to control it or not. Anger in this case would be directed at another person and it would mean not to look at my pain but say you did this to me and you are bad. But as I kept meditating, I allowed myself to feel the grief: grief for their absence, for the lack of closure, and for losing a connection. I recognized my old patterns of avoiding sorrow and I saw how my parents do the same, they throw themselves into helping others instead of grieving.
Meditation has helped me see both my pain and how people behave, including why some may ghost others. Though the pain didn’t feel good at all and I would swap it for anger, I was happy to note that I was not spiralling into shame, I wasn’t telling myself the story - if you were any better, this wouldn’t have happened to you. This was a major WIN. I could hold space for my hurt while acknowledging that, yes, people can let you down and sometimes you can’t do anything about it. Eventually feeling this pain made me feel safe in myself.
I have to be honest, I haven’t become some saint, I sometimes still hope they text me so that I get to dump them. :D
After six months with Headspace, I feel much less reactive. I notice my triggers, but I don’t immediately assume someone’s out to get me. This means I don’t have to be on alert.
Recently, I was hanging out with someone I used to feel judged by and I was worried about how it will go. But surprisingly, it was easier than I thought it would be. I noticed their own nervousness, their own struggles while we were together. It reminded me that we all worry about doing things “right” and being liked. That helped me relax and feel connected to them. Usually, I am so caught up in my story that I feel I am the only one struggling and I certainly never can be present. The story runs the show. I was able to be present and also have fun. Another WIN.
I also used to get defensive and take things personally—someone not liking a restaurant I chose or commenting on my weight. It felt like a personal attack and sometimes it is, and I’d keep mental tabs on these moments to “stay alert.” I’d always play Empathy Police and say, “If you can’t say anything nice why can’t you shut up.” Not out loud. Usually when folks were making what I would consider a verbal attack, a part of me starts preparing to show them who I really am. Now, I see that people are simply expressing themselves, and sometimes they can be unkind. I’m choosing not to dwell on their meanness and I simply move on. By not taking things personally or making up stories about them, I’ve freed up so much mental space. It means I don’t have to be constantly on guard or feel the need to put people in their place.
Some days ago, I posted this:
One realization I had was that even when I’m deeply upset and need comfort, my instinct is still to offer something in return. Instead of fully sharing my pain, I make it a side note and show concern for others. When my father learned about the murder, he was visibly shaken, but by the next day, he was angry—not at the system or the perpetrators, but at the victim. That response felt familiar; anger has always been his go-to emotion over grief, and I realized it’s often mine too. Anger is so predictable, like a well-worn path, while grief feels uncharted and out of control.
When I heard about this murder, I didn’t feel deep grief because we weren’t close but—more shock, fear, and a need for comfort. It reminded me of times I avoided my own sorrow by focusing on comforting others. I realized my father does the same, handling the technicalities for grieving families rather than sitting with his own pain. Meditation has shown me these patterns, helping me face what I used to push away.
I’d say meditation is acquainting me with myself. It isn’t easy but I feel less stressed out about who I should be.
<3
Indu