Dear reader,
hello! Let me warn you, this is an intense post and talks about death and also goes on to put down little steps I am taking to stand up for myself. But before that, here’s how you can subscribe to the paid newsletter because the Substack link doesn’t seem to work for everyone especially for folks in India: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/induviduality/e/129633. It is at $12 / Rs 900 for a month. If you are in India and are looking for a UPI option, please open the above link on a laptop.
This newsletter has fewer drawings and more writing and has a embroidered badge DIY in the end.
April was a difficult month. My father had his cataract removed and then there was a sense of gloom in our household. We were all sick. My parents initiated us into the idea of dying very young. My father talks about death and dying often and always has. It doesn’t stress me out. But around Vishu which we didn’t celebrate this year, because we were all sick, my mum said — she thought she would die. That scared me. Thankfully my mother’s health improved over the days but I’d wake up in the middle of the night, petrified, thinking of many things, all scary like who would take care of me when I have my cataract removed, loneliness, financial instability and more.
I hadn’t made money in more than a year and half. Last year, I felt if I kept working and working hard and be the good girl that I am, money couldn’t possibly evade me. But last month, I was beginning to feel resentful and angry, I had done everything right and yet I had no money. One night I woke up gripped in fear and was about to go down the I-do-so-much-for-other-people-and-no-one-helps-me-in-return route (the victim mode which I find myself often in) when I caught myself and decided to email people and tell them I was looking for work. At 3 am, I emailed 10 people, immediately started to feel better and went back to sleep.
I have now emailed more than 100 people saying — I am desperate for paid work and clearly stating what I am looking for. I also put it out on social media saying that I was looking for work and would be happy to share my bio with folks. Saying that I didn’t have paid work and that I was not making money was shame inducing but writing those emails helped me get over my shame and do something to remedy my situation. Many people wrote back, they shared it with their contacts, some whole heartedly looked for work for me, sent me stuff to apply to. The response certainly did make me feel good and less alone but more than that that I was tending to my fear and trying to do something for myself, made me feel better about myself. Like I had my own back. That’s how this newsletter also went paid.