Dancing and all the lessons
Dear all,
Hello, hello! This time’s newsletter is about learning to dance and being in my body and you are warned, I have a lot to say. I have cut it down with subheads. Also, there is a writing prompt for you to try in the end as well. So let’s get started.
I learn Kathak (online) and Bachata and Salsa (offline) and soon hope to join Garba classes. Am the obsessed kind.
The comfort of zoom:
I have always loved dance but have never been good at it. I decided to learn dance since people were teaching it over Zoom, it felt safe. On Zoom, I knew I could either dance or compare myself with others. Also, I was dancing so far from the Zoom screen, I could barely see other folks. I also started this practice because I was tired of living in my head. Preparing for things to go wrong and then having the next 10 steps ready. I wanted to feel a little more safe in the world. Live less in my head, be wrong and learn without constantly worrying about how accumulating failures was making me look and feel.
Dealing with being the worst
Dancing in my 40s felt great but with lots of my fears coming up, it also meant a lot of learning and unlearning. I felt completely unseen because I was so bad at it while others were good, I knew this because they were always getting complimented and my name was only being called out for pointing out mistakes. After crying and contemplating, dealing with my inner critic that is constantly telling me that I am doomed for failure, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out, what’s the best way to give feedback to a person like me:
being nice isn’t good because I wont trust you,
not saying anything isn’t good because I felt neglected.
telling me we aren’t going ahead without you learning is pressure.
I don’t know if there’s a right way because everything makes me feel wrong. What I now do is sit with it my discomfort for a day or two and then talk to my teachers. That’s huge because my go-to has been to make the other person a villain for bringing up difficult emotions in me and that usually is an outcome of a fair amount of self loathing. I am thankful my current teachers hold space for conversations.
I once told my Kathak teacher that I am okay not being the best because I know I can’t get there but I worry about being the worst and so I get extremely competitive with the person who is just as bad as me. She responded:
That’s very human. It is a survival trick. We learn young that if we are the worst the chances of us being forgotten, dropped and abandoned is high. We know that belonging comes from with being part of a group or being the best, we fight so we are not forgotten. If we are forgotten, our chances of survival could be at stake.
If being neglected scares me , attention also scares me. As a young person, I got attention for being wrong and for not fitting in and it all had repercussions. A few months ago, I couldn’t get a dance step right in my Kathak class and my teacher said, “We aren’t moving ahead without you getting it right.” I felt I was holding up everyone and I completely froze. She eventually gave up. The day passed and then I texted her saying,
“I freeze with that kinda attention and I hate to hold other people up. I feel I am coming in the way and the way to work with me is to tell me to learn and give me space to get there.”
I wasn’t sure how I had gotten the vocabulary to state this. My teacher told me that when someone doesn’t pick up they feel like they may not be teaching well and that makes them want to keep trying and that they will be mindful. After that conversation, my teacher now checks with me before putting me in the spotlight. And that makes me feel safe.